it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
this is the news I live for
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
what kind of cook setting is this??
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape