Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.