date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago


[getting married]

priest: does anyone object to this union

my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union


wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him


me: ok so your mom’s a narc


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that