6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.