I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.