I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
WWE is French for “yes”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars