My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh