My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.


*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?


me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*


I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting


A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out


Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*


*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*


*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving


*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh