(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.