Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter