@heymonroe

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

@heymonroe

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@heymonroe

*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@heymonroe

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.