Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.