[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.