*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now