a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring