Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

LOL

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Bond. Trauma bond.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it