I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
You got this…
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The Joker was right
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.