Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here