@hipchkk

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

@hipchkk

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

@hipchkk

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

@hipchkk

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

@hipchkk

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@hipchkk

I encourage my kids to explore art. I insist they know Picasso’s Blue Period had nothing to do with the menstrual cycle of a Smurf.

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.