Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Thoughts
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.