@hippieswordfish: Me: I'll have the lasagna
Waiter: do you want bugs in that?
Me: what? No
Waiter: ok good that would be gross
@hippieswordfish: the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs
@hippieswordfish: [in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP
@hippieswordfish: ROOMMATE: oh shit it's that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude...you're late on rent again
@hippieswordfish: boy they weren't kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can't stop eating these things!!
@hippieswordfish: [bus stop]
'help! is there a doctor around?'
im a dr
'this guy got shot'
how does that make you feel
'what are u doing?'
im a psychiatrist
@hippieswordfish: Neolib twitter: “my 1 year old just asked me why Donald trump holds such disdain for women and minorities?”
My Twitter: my 6 year old just asked “Why does dogs elbows is so sharp”
@hippieswordfish: weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount