@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@hippieswordfish

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@hippieswordfish

you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

@hippieswordfish

COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close

@hippieswordfish

hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs

@hippieswordfish

Me: I’ll have the lasagna
Waiter: do you want bugs in that?
Me: what? No
Waiter: ok good that would be gross

@hippieswordfish

the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs

@hippieswordfish

[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP