Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.