I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
knights of the ikea table
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
awesome draft from months ago i just found
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…