What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
You Might Also Like
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
work smarter, not harder
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.