When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I am having an out of money experience.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?