I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED