Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented