(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You Might Also Like
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Unimpressed
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
This will never not be funny 😭
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.