My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here