Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”