Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
seems like a niche market
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?