How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit