I think about this a lot
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting