Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
You Might Also Like
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Mad Max: Furry Road
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.