If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.