I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
So sick of all these stupid rules