*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My flabber has been gasted.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Aaaa…CHOO!
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Breaking news:
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
good morning
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.