@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@howe007

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@howe007

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.