Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.