*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*