Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.
6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.
My husband’s doing that cute thing again where he thinks he’s right.
*throws his shit out on the lawn*
*makes a bonfire*
A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.