Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Admin smashed it 😂
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A new level of troll.
I like long walks away from everyone
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.