Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Phonetics
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell