It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My last name is Zilla.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.