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Page of humanaaron's best tweets

@humanaaron : ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol "oH No a bUrGLaR"
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

@humanaaron: me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@humanaaron: [amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

@humanaaron: cop: you're free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

@humanaaron: AA Counselor: what's step one?

AA Battery: admitting I'm powerless

@humanaaron: me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

@humanaaron: knock knock

who's there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@humanaaron: cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@humanaaron: [4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don't lie to me I can always tell when you're drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@humanaaron: [first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(