kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ???? ? ???? ???????
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[tossing a coin into a wishing well]
me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
cop: you’re free to go
cop: go on now
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*