contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming


me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed


[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested


[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible


Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*


ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like


me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out


[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price


cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please


me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(