Funny Tweeter

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Page of humanaaron's best tweets

@humanaaron : cop: you're free to go me: but cop: go on now me: please cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE me: *runs into the forest* cop: :'(

@humanaaron: AA Counselor: what's step one?

AA Battery: admitting I'm powerless

@humanaaron: me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

@humanaaron: knock knock

who's there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@humanaaron: cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@humanaaron: [4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don't lie to me I can always tell when you're drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@humanaaron: [first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(