Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.