Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it