*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Love this guy
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*