Boss: Ur fired
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
can’t believe I got front row seats
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.