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Page of huntigula's best tweets

@huntigula : psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
"yes"
From karate?
"YES"
Chad wants u to know he's ok
*guy starts crying*

@huntigula: My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that's a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous

@huntigula: GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

@huntigula: GOD: it's time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..

@huntigula: the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

@huntigula: ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

@huntigula: Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You'll take me with u?
Me: I didn't mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I'm sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@huntigula: GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that's still great
ME: [wondering why this guy's so in to milk] it's pretty cool I guess

@huntigula: ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it's my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don't u mind your own gd business