@huntigula: her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today...
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
@huntigula: [mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
@huntigula: [Donald Trump's election speech]
"America, I have only 1 thing to say"
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
"YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"
@huntigula: I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
@huntigula: [at aquarium]
"Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks"
BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@huntigula: [March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it'll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
@huntigula: why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
@huntigula: Guy: Why does everyone call you "Gross Gary"?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.