Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
dictator is short for richard potato
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
still the best tweet of the year by far
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.