I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Blew my mind.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*