[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Me: A large rat
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan….
Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous